Yes, but unfortunately, not quite.

Despite the bad weather forecast, on the wedding day, it was breezy with just the right temperature and plenty of sunshine. We sat in our car and with all the windows rolled down, the interior of the car was very comfortable. The church was located alongside a highway with vehicles of all kinds zooming to their whereabouts. The radio was set to play soothing jazz that she loves for me to play whenever she sits in my car. I sat in the driver seat and she in the rear right of the car. Mom has already went into the church. There we were as I reflected back just 2 days ago at the wedding rehearsal, she held his hands as we were all excited and very much looking forward to this day. All went so perfect. The music was right. The rundown was very smooth.

It was about more than a few months ago when we were told of this day, August 2, 2008. Her mother was especially looking forward to this day and it will finally happen. The closer it is the more she's worried. However, with the grace of God, it looks like it will happen.

Thus as I reflected on all these incidents, she sat in her seat and didn't say a word. The lyrics of a song by ABBA, The Winner Takes It All suddenly rushed through my mind. I couldn't say a word of comfort but the lyrics continuously roamed freely in my mind and here's how it goes:

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

and the last verse goes like this:

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

These words seems so true as it describes very much what she's trying to convey to me. I couldn't continue the conversation as she told me she's very tired. Nothing I could do then to just watch as the guest keeps on arriving and each one of them strolled excitedly and delightfully towards to the entrance of the church.

When she finally decided to go in, she held my hands as we walked into the church. It was a moment where I felt like we walked in slow motion like a movie. As we got closer to the entrance, one of the wedding receptionist opened the door for us and demonstrated her concerns and care. She asked if we wanted to enter the Sanctuary. I said, yes, but let her change first. So, she gladly directed us to the appropriate place. When she's all dressed, we proceeded to the Sanctuary with the same lady leading us. As the doors opened the couple getting married is already signing the wedding registry. I felt like it was like a television series I saw a long time ago, where the lover stormed into a church and as the doors swung open he yelled the name of a bride who was getting married. Well, we didn't quite do that. I looked for my wife and the lady guided us towards the front and we seated right behind my wife. As soon as she saw her changed, she was elated. I picked her up and sat her beside her Mom. I nodded in agreement of yes, but unfortunately, not quite there. Too bad she couldn't be the flower girl. However, we partook in the group photo.

My heart a bit sad, now that I think back. Yes she could have been the flower girl, but unfortunately, not quite. Then again, who's going to get married in the next year or two that she could finally partake in this honour again?

...how time flies.

It was like just yesterday that she was born. Struggling to get to the hospital. Anxiously, yet tired...waiting in the assessment room to find out if we were in too early and sent all the way back home or not. Finally being born, she's taken away. The closest I got to her was the distance of holding the scissors and cutting the umbilical cord. However, within a very short time, I was able to finally touch her. That little chubby girl wrapped in her diaper looking back at you so innocently and being the cutest thing I ever saw. Not even a tear, she had in her eyes.

When we finally got back home, she slept soundly. Learning about and getting used to her took time. When we finally got the hang of it, it was time for her to start having solids. But we just started the feed her milk.

...and then she started to cry. She wouldn't go to sleep at night but during the day she'll refuse to get up. She loves to drink water, but refuses to have milk from a bottle. She loves noodles but not so much fond with rice...the typical Asian food.

...and then it was time for her to be toilet trained. She needed to be trained for a few months. We were worried whether she'll be trained because she constantly had accidents and the numerous hours she sat on the thrown. However, she finally managed # 2...and then also managed # 1. So, the next challenge would be....I dunno?!


Today...well...and then she started her first day at school...preschool that is. Prior to registration, we took her to visit the environment a few times. She was shy on the first time. She was a little reluctant to play around the classroom. In the past few weeks, we started to tell her how nice it's at school. The closer it got, the more we brain washed her...er I mean educating her mind of the existence of school and what will happen and who she'll see and not see.

...and then she was, again taken away from use....I mean to our surprise she stayed on her own and again without a tear in her eyes. Well...I wonder what she'll tell us tonight. I wonder how she'll cope with having more of her peers around her? I wonder how she'll be treated? I wonder how she'll react when isn't able to communicate with her peers in her native language?

...hmmm, I just wonder.

The year was 1995, when I first met her. I fell in love at first sight. We became friends and things matured and we went on our first date. Soon afterwards, I started to fall deeper in love and we saw more of each other.

I took her all around town. Far and close we traveled together and many places we visited. We zoomed across many towns & cities. Camping was also among our activities together. We even went to school & work together.

Years later, her health has been affected her in various ways. Even though she was not in good condition and despite my daily schedules, I still tried to take care of her the best can. I took her to see the doctor and paid for all kinds of remedy and procedural expenses.

On March 24, 2008 as we were commuting like every morning, suddenly she was hit from the front. She suffered severe frontal and some internal damages. I took her to the hospital and as she stayed in the critical care unit, I consulted with the doctors on a daily basis about her condition as it was really critical. The doctors couldn't start any procedures until everything was clear and that they would have absolute positive results.

Then after 2 weeks, on April 4, I learnt she would not make it and the doctors are not able to provide further care for her condition is worsening day by day. I reasoned and tried every alternative way to revive her health. I persuaded and pleaded with the surgeons to carry on the revival.

I took her home for a few days and spent our last times together. Unfortunately, the hopeless journey had to finally come to an end. After I walked the last mile with her, she breathed her last prior to our adieus. I laid her to rest as she awaits the tow truck. Sadly, I will be forever separated from my love...my Madza 626, Born on December 1995 and died on April 11, 2008. May she rest in peace.

Thank you for reading this. Please note, this isn't intended for any pun of any sort and not directed to anyone. Just my reminiscence of my car.

2007

The year 2007 has been an interesting year for me. At the beginning, it never occured to me that it will be a compelling & stimilating one. Now that its nearing the end, I sit look at it and reminisce how it's been treating me. Are you ready to review this thought provoking year?

Back in April, my year & a half old daughter had to experience a major surgery. Imagine an innocent girl who hardly speaks, yet just starting to master her walking skills, and still needs milk approximately 3 times a day, has to prepare herself for surgery. We're talking about a surgery lasting a few hours from end to end. Then the agony of recovery. It isn't a pretty sight. However, with God's grace, not only was our stay at the hospital only 1 week, my daughter's surprise healing was only months. She's now almost like any normal child...being active and achieving every miles stone for her age.

Around the same time right after my daughter's surgery, I lost my job due to some office politics. Thus being idle for a few months made me think about my career path. My spiritual journey during these months was up & down...well, actually mainly down as always. However, bargaining with God was captivating in the essence where God showed me that I can't control my future. All these times I tried to do my best in every task that is laid upon me. No matter how hard I tried, it's still in God's hands.

In May, we went to see the world famous tulips at the Nation's capital: Ottawa. This weekend getaway was very relaxing and for our family to enjoy a time together away from home. We took lots of pictures and my daugther and wife was very happy.

My struggle in finding a job continued as I was looking forward in changing fields without a locked path and lacking any success. I had a view interviews but none worked out. I was however offered two opportunities where I turned down the initial one. When the second one was offered, I almost turned it down for I was very reluctant in taking this offer. Finally, I made a deal with God and decided to take this offer. In both fortunate & unfortunate circumstances the deal ended in an unsophisticated way. However, it was not as sweet as I hoped it would be. I don't know what God wanted me to learn from this experience. He placed me in an environment where I had to encounter situations where I do wish that I don't need to confront anymore in the future. This is where the guarantees will most likely not happen.

Regardless of what has taunted me or whatever I've engaged, it certain was also another year where God's blessing was sufficient. The blessings of God is what I am definitely guaranteed no matter what I am incapable of retreating from. No matter what the circumstances, as long as the Lord is walking with me, there is practically nothing I could fear. Even if I am scared to walk, I know that the Lord will hold my hand and maybe even carry me.

To all my Brothers & Sisters, I would like to express my gratitude for standing beside us while we were in our down times. Your support and prayers has been the pillars for us to lean onto. Having you as our support has been one of God grace and blessing. There is nothing we would trade it for. As you enjoy this Christmas and New Year's celebrations, take the time to reflect on the Saviour's birth. I want to take this opportunity to wish a Merry Christmas and to all a blessed New Year.

Traditional Season's Greetings

In the last few years I noticed that many media have become the so called “Politically Correct” by using or sending their wishes during the Christmas Season as “Happy Holidays.” Come to think of it, I started to realize the impact there was in switching. I don't see the necessity for the switch. It seems to have changed the meaning for Christmas. The world has agreed that Christmas is celebrated on December 25 and December 25 it has been since forever. Then Hanukkah is around the same time. By the way, has anyone mentioned that the Asians and in this case mainly the Chinese also celebrate Winter Solstice on December 22. With the Chinese...I'm sorry, politically correct term: Asians, constitutes for approximately 1/5th of the worlds population. Many Asians agree that the celebration of Winter Solstice is more important than celebrating Chinese New Year for Winter Solstice is where family gathering happens for most just like Christmas for the Western world. By this I refer to North & South Americans and most Europeans. In other words, do the Asians also have to join this campaign in changing their wishes to “Happy Holidays” as well during their celebration of Winter Solstice?

I also noticed, despite of wishing “Happy Holidays” during the Christmas season in the media, that the commercial part of Christmas is still referred to “Christmas shopping.” Where is the consistency? Should it not be “Holiday” Shopping instead? Now I have brought forth more confusion or more controversy. Maybe I've even reminded the media to be careful with their terminology usage. Regardless of what they think, my point is that Christmas is not to be associated with commercialism. During Thanksgiving, regardless if it is the American or Canadian, most people go back to their hometown to have family gatherings. They may or may not buy gifts for each other. Christmas usually bears the same meaning if you are not a Christian. However, it has become so commercialized in the last decade that the meaning of it has since faded. I see that for the Americans, it's too close to Christmas where most of the money spending takes place. Why is the Canadian Thanksgiving not been commercialized? It's way before Christmas.

Another thing I noticed is many shopping centres are broadcasting Christmas songs. Many of these songs are reprised by famous artists. Many of these same artists have swayed from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays.” Despite of that, why are they still singing Christmas carols? Isn't that a slap on their own face? They wanted to be politically correct, however, they record these Christmas songs and makes a profit out of it. Would this not be like revealing to the world that you don't take drugs but you not only take them, you also sell them? Totally obsurd from my point of view.

This Christmas, I bring upon a challenge to you all. This is what I have and will continue to do so until it's declared illegal: I will continue to wish anyone I see “Merry Christmas” regardless of what they celebrate. It's been as such since as far as I could remember. I don't intend to change it and it is not possible either. If I wanted to become a Korean, I could dress, talk, walk, eat, sleep like a Korean. No matter what I do, I'll never become an authentic Korean for my blood flows Chinese “descendancy.” It does not matter how one wraps one's hand. One could make it look like a foot. However, it's only on the exterior. Below the wrappings, it's still a hand. That is a fact and is not changeable no matter what is done. So, is Christmas. Merry Christmas to you all.

A toast.

It was just a while ago, a buddy of mine got married. Him & I go way back. Back to when we were wearing bell bottom slackers or jeans. Our hair cut was performed by my mother and it looked like she placed a bowl on our heads and chipped off whatever was sticking out.

I remember when my Dad took me and my sister out, he'd tell us that we're going to John's place. This was how I related to him, by going to John's place. Our friendship grew and we also fought a lot for our toys. It wasn't until recently when I was thinking about how long we've known each other, slowly I realized that I started to envy him for having all these toys and especially Lego toys. Then he'd have seen all the original Star Wars series. It was just 2 years ago when I saw the original series. Today however, I am happy for him for having such a lovely bride. Thank God that I'm not losing out. I also have a lovely wife and a daughter that's cute as ever.

We lost touch for some years despite being in the same town. It came to a point where I started to think about our friendship. We started to have different friends. We hardly spoke to each other till I started to converse more and more with Julie. The more we talked, the more I wanted to resume our friendship. Its very rare to know someone who's known you since childhood. We came from a similar back ground. We attended the same church, the same school, lived in the same town. Our parents knew each other.

John has brought to his household a well deserved wife. She's able to prepare meals in the kitchen and presentable in the living room. She's family oriented and loves her husband. I also know that John will love and protect her with all his might.

Julie, I know that John has found you as his life long companion. I trust that God will bless the two of you. Rest assured that He'll shower your life together on a daily basis with His blessings.

John, thank you for letting me stand beside you as your best man. When you asked me to prepare a speech, I thought of our friendship. I don't know why but I kept on thinking about the times we used to role play characters. Do you remember Siu Lung Lui? I still do! I will forever remember that. It was part of our happy childhood together and will remain the best memory between you and me. Cheers to our childhood friendship.

Was lost, but now found

She was not attractive. However, as soon as Doron was place on my hands and instructed to take good care of her, I felt this strong urge of bonding with an enormous sense of responsibility. I loved her as if she was my own. We walked hand in hand. As I sat down to chat with my friends, she'd sit silently right beside me. She is really so unattractive, but why am I so attached to her. Whenever I moved, she'd follow me.

My friend chatted with me for a long time. Suddenly, I was called to duty. I strode to fulfil my calling. I became distracted. I became extremely occupied. I even thought to sit for a drink is a luxurious thing. I continued being unavailable. I finally became very weary with exhaustion. I went home for an intermission.

Suddenly, I realized that I've lost Doron. I asked my friend, but he didn't see her. I called my other friend, and Doron was not with her but said she'll look for her. I visited another friend's house and Doron was not there either. Where could she have wandered off. Scared I became. Weary and worried I was. Sad and regretful I sensed.

I decided to walk the same route we walked and see if Doron could have been playing in the bushes and gotten lost. I walked pass and could not see any traces of Doron. More irritation and uneasiness rushed into my mind. By this time, there's a panic that roams freely in my conscience and tears were swelling up my eyes.

In the mist of a far distance, I saw a friend holding Doron in her hands. As soon as she saw me she ran towards me and handed Doron in my hands. I excitedly clutched Doron in my arms and wiped the tears off my eyes and breathed a sigh of relieve. We went back to the car and proceeded home. During the trek home, we gazed upon each other and I said: "Doron, you're so unattractive that no one would ever think of taking you away." Doron gazed at me and was glad to see me that she didn't care what I said. I too am glad that we've now found each other.

Unfairness

Why would one not be able to live as a person who tries to get along peacefully with everyone? Does one have to be a little obnoxious? Aren't we all supposed to pat each other on the back and aid each one another? An Asian saying goes like this: "When a pig is gutted, one will find that it's guts are filled with excrements." How come one must be careful and not fall into traps? Could one not roam around comfortably? Can't we all just not look at each other's benefit and thus at the end benefit ourself?

Will I wake up?

Inspired by and adapted from the songs of the movie version of Jonathan Larson's broadway musical: Rent

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?

One hundred and eight thousand minutes.
How do you measure two and half months?
Time wasted...time well wasted?
Mournful...
Scornful...
Playful...

Dull and day to day, hour to hour, and minute to minute!
Everyday is painful, but sometimes hopeful.
Numerous times the hopeful as turned doubtful.
Doubtful sometimes becomes sorrowful.

The gardener has left me in pains.
I must stand up and stop the whines.
The exit isn't as grand as my thoughts.
I limp and walked towards the main doors.

No day but it had to be on that day.
No other time it was and no other way.
No other day, but certainly it was planned before May.
What a way is was to spent my anniversary and birthday.

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?

The rose garden

As I entered a garden filled with roses, I noticed its vibrantly beautiful and they emit a fragrance that one would prefer to continously breathe in. The aroma of the rose is soothing and gives one's nose a sense of satisfaction. Many like it's appearance as it enhances any occasion and pleases one's eyes. This glourious scene elevated me to the seventh heaven.

Enthusiastically, I gazed upon the rose whenever the opportunity passes itself. Suddenly I became a part of that glory one wishes to be in. Moderately, I started to realize that roses also possessed nasty thorns. On one hand I admired the rose's beauty. On another, an unconscious fear spawned within me. It started to consume my mind and had a plan for me in the near future.

Now at each instant I see a rose, my mind takes the liberty of reminding me about the afflictions those thorns have left on my skin. At each opportunity is like the roses hurls its thorn or they chant their taunts at me. It isn't a pleasant scenery anymore. The afflictions inflicted were like punches that have bruised me all over. I've been hit. I lost my foothold and fell. Attaining and regaining my balance is not an easy thing to do. How much longer will it take for me to stand up tall and put this behind me? I want to move on, but am weak. I'm injured and waiting for the gardener to come and heal me.

Inner turbulence

partly inspired and adapted from song - Bohemian Rhapsody which is written and sung by Freddy Mercury of band: Queen.



a while back i entered a fantasy
it made one's dream come true
soon thereafter, like hell it seemed
occasionally there was a breeze.

now its like i've walked into a state of trance
so real it still looks
this does not seem like my real life
neither does it just seem like fantasy.

i stood still and pondered but i couldn't see why
shattered it became that dream
hell no more to add to that experience
but still i don't decipher the real meaning.

i feel like i've been caught in a landslide
there seems no escape from reality
"open your eyes" i've been told
the tears are stinging and closed they remained.

looking up to the skies i tried
the clouds forming thick and becoming dark
the end seem no where in sight
how much longer till daybreak shall i wait?

u'r not alone

after being read to from Q's blog, i had the urge to encourage her and also V & A as new parents. u guys are only at the beginning stage. nothing should discourage y'all at this stage. yes, these adorable, cute, and invaluable estates are entrusted on us. it's our responsibility to care, nurture, and also to cultivate them. and the latter is the most important part, i think. needless to say, i hesitantly compare ur situations to mine and whoa...need i go further?


i understand where u'r coming from. in fact, it's agreeable that it's definitely overwhelmening every single moment u'd spend that time with ur precious 1. despite the fact that i don't agree with most of the products she promotes, LL provided what she thought is the best for our little ones. her concerns are still valid if u focus ur vision beyond the surface of her lectures during her long and dragging classes. when u'r trying to promote something that u believe in, would u not make ur product stand up really high. one'd probably do the same thing she's done and continuosly do. please don't take me wrong as i'm not standing on her side because of the graceful success we had with our little 1's feeding. all i'm trying to pursuade y'all to see beyond. regardlessly, i'd still recommend anyone attending her classes. i'd also tell them the reason for that for i also believe that breastfeeding is good. however, if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. there are alternatives and other responsibilities on ur side.

life is funny sometimes. many unpleasant things could happen. many pleasant things will balance it to make life worthy of it's living. it a matter of being able to balance it properly and appropriately. putting too much weight on the unpleasantness of life will only make it continously distasteful to urselves. what is successful to u, may not be for others. what is advantageous to other may not be of benefit to u. please don't be downcasted.

despite the drizzles that smashes on ur faces... when it seesm like u'r walking down the dark valley and feeling weak... even if the thunder crashes and the lightning flashes, don't be alarmed. just hang in there. the sun is still above the stormy clouds. them dark clouds will pass and bring forth beautiful clouds and the sunlight it will peak through to a point where it drowns us.

To my good Brother

The Lord is our shepherd. We will not be lacking anything less. Yes, walking down that valley of death is definitely a scary thing. Our God's protection is all we need. In His hands, He holds His staff. It's where the beautiful terrain of green grass God will walk us and along the quiet waters. That's where our sorrows are taken away from us and where our roots will be quenched of thirst. Fear no evil for God's with us. Protection, comfort, and peace He will bring forth to us. God does not make mistakes. God only makes good things out of unfortunate events. Stand strong in whatever the circumstances.
Continue to be faithful in whatever trials you face ahead. God has remained faithful to you and only faithful will He continue to be to you forever. Hold your arms up and He will certainly place you in his strong arms. It's only there we will find comfort. Even if you can't see it, take your first faithful step and He'll reveal to you the the very next one.

The playground that ought to be empty

Walking along a playground, I see many children wandering around. Some others are standing. Some are just watching. Some stopped with whatever they were doing and just keep staring at me. Some waved. Some others simply smiled and I responded the same way to those.

Questions...many of them then started to fly like arrows. "Why" was the most popular one. I don't know the answer as to why the "why's." I stopped for a bit to ponder upon the questions that targeted me. "Come along now, my child." Papa said to me. "Who are these children" I asked Papa, "and where are their parents?" Papa just responded with a smile. Then I asked one more question which stopped Papa: "Are they here because they've been naughty?" Papa turned around, crouched in front of me and said: "No, my child. They're here for a reason. They're sick." "Why are they sick at this age?" I responded " They're so young. Did they do something bad? Then Papa paused & he smiled to comfort me. He said: "Come here" and hugged me. Then he whispered in my ear, "That's because God wants to show us how graceful and powerful He is."

About SC & YT

There are two persons whom have been a great comfort in times of trouble.

SC is a very beautiful, lovely, and understanding person. She has the heart of a mother and the talent of a elder sister who loves her children and siblings. Her words of comfort are too simple to express using just mere words. However, when you read them, they'll be so soothing as if it was quenching a long scorching and dry thirst.

Although YT doesn't really speak much, his observations, however, are unusual. His father figure gives you the peace of mind and his comforts you safely. He can be a brother who stands out for his siblings and protects them. His guidance and words of wisdom will only benefit us in many ways during tests and trials.

I take pride in having them in my life. Thanks SC & YT.

...that absurd phone call

There are many things that we take advantage of in life. Things that we think are suppose to happen no matter what the circumstances. The air we breathe...we don't even think about it and breathe it in and out. Take a moment and think of a fish who lives in the water. Will it ever think of it's environment whilst it's swimming all of the it's home? What will it think if it's suddenly taken out of the water? Actually, what will go through it's mind when this happens? It will try to grasp for air, but whatever it takes in does not register. A fish will never think of what will happen if they're fished out of the water despite that we humans continuously mass fish them for our consumption.

This past Thursday, as I was strolling down the congested highway to a procedure, I received a call. I a few questions was racing through my mind and the first one was who'd be calling me so early in the morning? Then I was thinking if it was a friend who could call. Or maybe it was my parents. Finally the answer: it was to cancel the process. I was confused. The first instance my mind was thinking of how to explain this to my boss. At that moment, the only option for me was to go back home and await another call.

Everything was planned and now the whole plan is thrown of it's course. In the beginning of executing the plan, that one phone call puts it on hold. Now that's such a weird and absurd feeling, isn't it? All that planning now seems to be in vain. Funny, isn't it? I assure you that when you're living through it, there's nothing funny about it at all. I couldn't...actually, shouldn't get mad. It wasn't my fault, however, still I shouldn't. My mind was blank. I felt a sense of void... a sense of helplessness... a sense of disorientation.

On the way home, I was senseless. Why is this happening? Was I dreaming? The state of trance made me not want to head home. I wanted the plan to carry out. Such weird feeling. It was as if my vacation was cancelled at the last minute. It was a fact. Obediently, I drove home and waited...and that's what happened most of the day: I waited patiently.

Outcries from within

The trees are still barren. The grass are still pale after the snow has melted. The air is damp and the wind is steady with a chill. The many empty benches lying in the barren park. One lonely goose landed into the pond which has a thin layer of ice. It's lonely quack prompted me to take some pictures of these empty benches that lies lonely, in the park. They once were filled with people who were resting on it. Filled with people who were sharing their secrets on it. Filled with people who just simply sat there to enjoy the children playing in the park. Now their outcries in the cold. Their steel body that's now uninviting. Thoughts that are strongly depressed within. When will it be time again for it to be able to release a warm welcome? When will people start to feel comfortable on it again?


The wind continues to be chilly. The walk around the park is continually lonely. That goose isn't quacking anymore. The warmth within me is fading. It wants to be released. Thoughts that are depressed wants to be released. Thougths that only God would understand. But now He seems far away. Or maybe He never left. Just maybe if I could hear Him say one more time: "Come here my child and let me hold you." Maybe it's even me that isn't hearing it. The wind is still roaring and obstructing my ears.


There are too many suppressors around everyday. Too many to keep count. With a positive attitude I go by daily. Are these positiveness running out? Am I to step away from the crowd and enter loneliness? Should I be uninviting and obnoxious in a subtle way? Should I just follow my instinct? What else is there? There must be other choices. There has got to be another route. As I continue to wander my way around aimlessly, my home calls to me. It's there I'll find warmth. It's there I'll find comfort. In that warmth and comfort, I'll continue to face my challenges. Let Him who provides warmth and comfort also prepare me the strength I need to encounter the challenges ahead of me. May these grass become green again very soon. Let these trees be filled with leaves and wave at each other again. Allow these benches to be inviting for those who are weary to take a rest. Come back soon, you geese and orchestrate with the songs of the birds. Oh warm air, please return your breeze. I miss you.

A new Challenge

A friend of mine is a enthusiast in hiking. Him and his wife goes very often and would encourage me to tag along many times. After trying his training in the easier levels and eventually the more advanced levels, and finally to the levels where it involves some mountain climbing. One day he came to me and said: “You've been trained enough to go to the next stage. Next week, I want to take you to a trail where there's also a mountain to climb. Don't worry, you're training should be sufficient. If you're not ready, I wouldn't give you this challenge.” So, from today onwards, I have to be physically fit to take this challenge. Honestly speaking, I'm very nervous and somewhat frightened by unknowing what is ahead. I just don't know what to expect other than preparing myself mentally as well. Will there be places that I can't walk through? What happens if I encounter a thick fog? Would I be able to trample through marshes? Is the mountain steep? How much gear should I bring with me? Will I physically and mentally ready to take this challenge? What lies ahead is entirely a mystery.

Film comment: Crash

The following is a courtesy of IMDb:

Film synopsis:

Several stories interweave during two days in Los Angeles involving a collection of inter-related characters, a black police detective with a drugged out mother and a thieving younger brother, two car thieves who are constantly theorizing on society and race, the distracted district attorney and his irritated and pampered wife, a racist veteran cop (caring for a sick father at home) who disgusts his more idealistic younger partner, a successful black Hollywood director and his wife who must deal with racist cop, a Persian-immigrant father who buys a gun to protect his shop, a Hispanic locksmith and his young daughter who is afraid of bullets, and more.

Directed, written, and screenplay by Paul Haggis
Produced by Don Cheadle

Cast (in credits order)

Karina Arroyave .... Elizabeth
Dato Bakhtadze .... Lucien
Sandra Bullock .... Jean
Don Cheadle .... Graham
Art Chudabala .... Ken Ho
Sean Cory .... Motorcycle Cop
Tony Danza .... Fred
Keith David .... Lt. Dixon
Loretta Devine .... Shaniqua
Matt Dillon .... Officer Ryan
Jennifer Esposito .... Ria
Ime Etuk .... Georgie (as Ime N. Etuk)
Eddie J. Fernandez .... Officer Gomez (as Eddie Fernandez)
William Fichtner .... Flanagan
Howard Fong .... Store Owner
Brendan Fraser .... Rick
Billy Gallo .... Officer Hill
Ken Garito .... Bruce
Nona Gaye .... Karen
Octavio Gómez .... Hispanic Passenger
James Haggis .... Lara's Friend
Terrence Howard .... Cameron
Sylva Kelegian .... Nurse Hodges
Daniel Dae Kim .... Park
Bruce Kirby .... Pop Ryan
Ludacris .... Anthony (as Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges)
Jayden Lund .... Security Guard
Jack McGee .... Gun Store Owner
Amanda Moresco .... First Assistant Director
Thandie Newton .... Christine
Martin Norseman .... Conklin
Joe Ordaz .... Hispanic Driver
Greg Joung Paik .... Choi
Michael Pena .... Daniel (as Michael Peña)
Yomi Perry .... Maria
Ryan Phillippe .... Officer Hanson
Alexis Rhee .... Kim Lee
Ashlyn Sanchez .... Lara
Molly Schaffer .... Woman at Locksmith's
Paul E. Short .... Officer Stone
Marina Sirtis .... Shereen
Bahar Soomekh .... Dorri
Allan Steele .... Paramedic
Kate Super .... Receptionist
Larenz Tate .... Peter
Glenn Taranto .... Country DJ (voice)
Beverly Todd .... Graham's Mother
Shaun Toub .... Farhad
Kathleen York .... Officer Johnson
Nicholas George Stark .... Jamal (unaccredited)

The following is my analysis and comment.

Lately, I had the urge to see the movie "Crash" after it was mentioned on a radio station that I've preset on my car's radio. The radio announcer mentioned only the title and briefly some other information about that movie like who was in it and that it was nominated for best picture in the Oscars'. Based on the brief information I received, I felt I should see this movie. After finally seeing the movie, I thought of myself living in a foreign country as an Asian. For as long as I could remember, I've encountered a few racist comments since the day I stepped onto Canadian soil. There is one incident that I could remember vividly. When I was in Junior High, in the morning I attended English as a Second Language (a.k.a. E.S.L.) and in the afternoon attended the regular subjects with my grade 8 homeroom class. In one afternoon class, I was sitting behind a tall Caucasian classmate. I couldn't remember which subject it was and I couldn't remember what I asked. He turned around asked what I was doing there and told me to go back to ESL. I didn't know how to respond to that comment.

This film was like a mirror of what we experience everyday. In the scene of the two black car thieves who are walking down the street talking to each other about being treated differently because of skin colour, provoked my thoughts when the movie was playing. Thoughts in my mind ran around asking if I had ever experience this. Then the scene continued with a white couple walking in the opposite direction. The lady held her husband's arm tightly just prior to crossing the two black pedestrians. I was thinking that this is exactly what I would see if I was walking in the city streets. The connection was made immediately. Unfortunately, this connection was a little late. Two scenes have passed already: the crash accident and the Father and daughter purchasing a gun. Those didn't connect with me. I understand that they were essential to build the story and as it progresses, this gun purchasing interwove with the store owner being afraid of robbery at his store. It was for personal protection. It turned out that it wasn’t useful, but did however turn things around where a young Hispanic girl believed to have saved her father who was a locksmith. This locksmith was changing the locks in a house, had to endure racist comments from this white woman who along with her husband got their high end SUV stolen at gun point. This segment struck me and I felt sympathetic towards the locksmith. I kept on thinking why this white lady (and probably representing many more) is such a stereotypical bigot. I must credit the actress for portraying this quite nicely.

Racism was raised to another level where the police are notified to be on a lookout for a stolen SUV. Two police officers, one of which has a father who’s suffering from some kind of penile disease (my apologies, I didn’t hear what the actual problem was), was driving and followed in pursuit of a SUV that bore the same features including body colour of the stolen one with a different licence plate. A black woman came up from a crouching position in the front seat and looked towards the back window and showed her smiling gesture. The police officer pulled them over and performed a thorough body search on the black lady. So, a black couple, in which the lady had a few drinks, in an expensive SUV, is pulled over and being thoroughly body searched for possession of weapons. This racial profiling displayed gave me the chills and my heart pounded as if I was in that situation. This controversial incident happens in real life and worse situations have been reported. Then again, if it wasn’t for the media, would the public have any knowledge of this? This black successful Hollywood director kept silent about this and went home quarrelling with his wife about this incident. So, does one keep their silence when one is being mocked and humiliated? Suppressing one’s ethnic background brings one’s feelings down suffering lanes. Only those suffering would know and remains a solo experience. This exterior scene took place at night. There wasn’t anyone around looking other than cars passing by. There was no indication that those cars stopped to see what’s going on. Maybe that’s also reality where we’re supposedly too busy to find out what’s going on or are we afraid to find out what’s occurring around? We rather sit at home and watch this on the news.

The sex scene illustrated the need for racism to be destroyed. The detective told his mother that he’s “having sex with a white one.” Put down the perversion and think beyond it. Look beyond the intimacy. There’s a need for the destruction of the wall of bigotry and stereotype. In this case, black people should be able to mingle freely with white people. Any other ethnic groups should be treated equally with respect and be able to freely intermingle. I consider that this scene is strategically placed as the climax of the film. Everything from this moment on started to wine down or maybe be resolved temporarily. At least it seems that way. The pampered wife started to realize she needs to reconcile with her maid. The Persian immigrant began to see life differently on foreign soil. Both the car thief and the successful director began to accept the fact that they’re and remain to be black in the eyes of another person and in this case, the Caucasian. The Detective continues to strive and carry out his responsibilities responsibly.

The scene of the police officer rescuing the woman he body searched presented the idea that it is possible for racism to be declared obsolete. I see the scene where the illegal immigrants are being released from the rear of the truck as being a new beginning. As for the final scene where snow falls, what does that symbolize? Does it mean that we’re in a loop where we’ll never be able to escape? Is it a sign of another fierce winter ahead and thus another batch of racial discrimination will derive?

Human = Animal?

I was just chatting with a friend who's a female. At the beginning of the chat window, somehow she called me bad and refused to tell me when I asked her about 10 lines down the chat session. Then I replied asking why all women are like that. She said that all women are superior animals. This struck something in my mind about humans being animals. I know when we're created, we're created to be superior as humans. What I don't understand is why we're sometimes referred to as animals. Does that not make us humans inferior? Maybe because we act like an animal or that we sometimes live as one? The wildness in us...is that the reason why? Then we'd be getting into psychology with all these "id" "ego" and "superego" thing. It'll become too complicated. Btw, if you don't know what I'm talking about, forget about the psych part.

Let's just focus on the human equal animal thing. I tried my luck my friend: Google. Guess what I got. One million eight hundred and sixty thousand hits is what I got returned in 0.19 seconds. Don't believe me, see for yourself. How about opening a new window and go to google and type the exact phrase in the search field: human equal animal. I have to admit that I didn't click on any of the links to read any of the contents offered. Just reading the headings gave me the chills. Please don't get me wrong, I respect all animals and humans as well. Oh darn...I just got myself into another thought: is respect the same as rights? Anyways, I'll let you stroll on that.

Meanwhile back at the range. If you believe God is the creator of all, hope you do, but even if you don't, why would you still say that we're animals. What makes you so sure? I really want someone to tell me where they read that or what provoked their thoughts to be delivering these depressing ideas? Anyhow, we're created with dignity to walk as humans. Although, sometimes, I did wish that I was an animal and all I had to do was to find food to fill my hunger and not be eaten by another animal. As an animal, I wouldn't have to worry about anything else in the world as humans do. Then again, no one has ever been an animal and come back to tell us, so we would never know how an animal processed it's thought. Hey...do they have any thoughts? I believe it's instinct they depend on. So, how is it that we sometimes call ourselves animals?

In movies and story books, personification of animals are done to bring on other ideas. It's just a presentation of some sort. Remember, these are done from a human perspective. We think they could think. As previously said, they operate on instinct. In a real world, we could train the animals to perform acts. That's because the animals know that after they've performed something, they'll be rewarded. If they don't they'll be punished. This process in the psych textbooks is called "conditioning." Ok, I should not go there again and that's the last time I'm mentioning the word psychology. ...oops, sorry.

So, after all these babbling, I still don't have any ideas of what the answer to "humans = animals" would be. If you know, please...by all means, let me know. If I've dissed you in any ways above, please forgive me and you also have my sincere apologies. To that friend of mine, I hope I didn't offend you by making reference to you here. I treasure all of my friends. Thanx.